The gods have spoken: natural disasters will ravage our world until we get another Garfield movie.
Throughout 2017, we have been faced with the worst natural disasters imaginable. Whether it is hurricanes, earthquakes or a third example, our planet has been devastated at a consistent rate. There may be, however, an answer to all of this needless destruction; a way to put an end to any natural disaster before it even begins.
I have done extensive research into the timeline of environmental catastrophes and have tried to formulate a predictor of sorts – a way to know when they would strike next. In my studies, I have come to the same conclusion time and time again. It seems that natural disasters will ravage our world until we get another Garfield movie.
“What could Garfield, lover of lasagna and enemy of Odie, have to do with weather phenomena,” you wonder? The answer to that question might just save our planet from demise.
For those of you who may not be well-versed in Garfield filmography, the official timeline as it stands is: “Garfield: The Movie” (2004), “Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties” (2006), “Garfield Gets Real” (2007), “Garfield’s Fun Fest” (2008) and finally “Garfield’s Pet Force” (2009).
Let us take a trip down memory lane, to the long-forgotten year of 2004. “Friends” had reached its conclusion, Facebook had barely launched and Ronald Raegan had died. Up until that year, there had been countless global weather catastrophes since the dawn of time. This year was no different, as there had been the Morocco earthquake, and a deadly monsoon season. But on June 11, 2004, something incredible happened: the first Garfield movie was released into theaters across the globe. On that day, not a single natural disaster wreaked havoc on any part of the planet.
Not only was June 11 natural-disaster-free, but in fact, every release day of every Garfield movie has been devoid of mother nature’s tantrums. Not a single disaster came to fruition on June 16, 2006, Aug. 9, 2007, Aug. 5, 2008, or June 16, 2009.
Some may say this is a mere coincidence. I can, however, assure you that the facts all line up, and as the modern-day philosophers Bone Thugs-N-Harmony have proclaimed, the facts don’t lie.
Fact: The dinosaurs were wiped from existence by a natural disaster of catastrophic proportions. Fact: The dinosaurs did not have movies of Garfield. Coincidence? You decide.
Fact: “Garfield’s Pet Force” was the last film starring the “Lord of Lard” to be released, back in 2009. Fact: Since 2009, there have been upwards of 60 billion dollars worth of damages by natural disasters in the U.S. alone. Are we heading down the same path as our scaled predecessors by not heeding these elemental, and now financial warnings? Only time will tell.
Fact: My roommate Marshal agrees with my conclusion. Fact: Marshal took eighth-grade TWICE. That is two times the schooling that you received during that year, so clearly, his judgment holds some status.
Ultimately, through detailed research and extensive viewings of the Garfield films, it is my professional opinion that if we could create enough Garfield movies to release a new one every day for the next 300 years, we would be spared from every natural disaster to come. If humanity wants to continue existing, we need to get a certain wisecracking, Monday-hating, lasagna-loving cat in theaters as fast as possible.
– Garrett Buss is a theater junior and is definitely right about this whole Garfield thing